I do not like Them. It’s no good asking me why, though I have plenty of reasons. I do not like Them. And I do not refer to cats. Then, to whom do I refer? You will soon find out, but first I must explain the concatenation of events that inspired this post, after which all shall become clear.
It is 3:38 am. I am still awake. I should be sound asleep dreaming of pleasant things but instead I am awake because my anger has been aroused. Why? Because of the terrible crime of shameless punning. And the very worst kind of low, shameless punning: of a sort that shall not be named, which at last is beginning to drive me insane.
I am the poor victim of another’s puniness at my expense, which is no small offense. The incidence was hours ago, and yet I only begin to dream up good responses at 3 am. I find this endlessly annoying. This madness must cease!
Punning ought to be outlawed, and the perpetrators punished! And I will NOT rest until they are!
But puns are everywhere and the dark forces of the pundits are arrayed against us all the time. And what’s worse is that even the most conscientious user of the English language cannot avoid tripping over a pun; puns hide in our vocabulary like booby-traps for the unsuspecting and innocent.
So how can we overcome this great, omnipresent evil? Have no fear; I believe we can!
I appeal to victims everywhere, do not stoop down to Their level, do not sink to the depths of Their depravity by participating in Their base practices! Do not sacrifice at Their altars with pealing laughter and snorts of mirth! They’ll tell you that it’s just innocent fun; don’t believe Their lies! It is because of Them that victims like me lie awake at night, feeling miserable and benighted.
If you should be so unfortunate as to stumble upon a pun, do not exploit it for cheap laughter, but avoid it at all costs. Should you ever fall into the foul clutches of a pun, do not surrender to it like fowl in a net. If you see another run afoul of a pun, rescue the poor fool before they slip into the nether darkness of pundom and become wraiths like Them. And above all, DO NOT laugh at Their puns! Laughter only increases Their power.
These are a few of the measures we can take against Them. But despite all my best efforts, I have a feeling my struggle has only just begun…
(You see, it’s funny because I say that shameless punning ought to be outlawed, but I am shamelessly punning in order to make my point that shameless punning ought to be outlawed because I’m being ironic, and irony is funny).